TOO FAR TO REACH 31

 TOO FAR TO REACH 31

I had slept heavily that entire afternoon, I cried so bitterly that aunt had to get a nurse to counsel me. I finally managed to calm down and rest but that did not take the pain away.  Jeff had still not shown up, aunty looked at me very worried. Everything was available for us at the hospital but I knew the thought of regret had overwhelmed aunty. I could see it through her, we were both so uncertain. I was still new in South Africa and I had no idea what phone number my husband was using, I thought of how we would even get ourselves to the house. We had no idea. I could not imagine all the was happening this way.

“Maybe this was all for the pregnancy, now that it’s gone everything has changed” I said breaking the silence

Aunty held my hand almost as if trying to signal me to change the subject. My heart was heavy, I needed answers and some form of explanation. Why would Jeff do this? He dumped me at the hospital and left, it had been hours later and neither aunt and I had any idea on what to do. In my mind, I already imagined returning to Zambia and all the shame that would follow me. I thought the drama in my life was finally over but at last it wasn’t.

I did not realize I had dosed off again until I opened my eyes, the clock on the wall was clearly reading 10:23pm. I turned to my left and saw aunty curled up on the couch and covered in a small blanket, she was resting after a long day. Jeff was clearly not here. I quietly sat upright in my hospital bed and everything hit me at once.

“Lord, I don’t know what you are trying to do but I don’t understand. Even if you can not explain to me what is happening at least calm my heart. This pain will kill me” I cried as tears rolled down my cheeks slowly.

I felt a block of ice in my chest but it was really a build up of grief. I could not understand how something like this could happen to me. I was holding on to the one hope that he had assured me he always loved me. Jeff had stated that our love went beyond me being pregnant, he loved me and that was all I needed to know and hold dearly to despite everything looking so different now. Somehow I just believed Jeff would not turn his back on me like this, I thought of the kind of man that he was and compared everything that I was seeing. It didn’t add up. I trusted him.

Morning came, I had fallen asleep so deeply. I did not feel any pain through my sleep but I had a very strange dream. I did not understand why but perhaps because I was thinking of Jeff and my babies so much. In my dream, Jeff was standing in a white robe holding our twin babies in his arms and he smiled at me. I tried to get closer to him but he disappeared with my babies. Waking up felt like a nightmare because I was hysterical, I cried bitterly and told aunty my dream. As I was being hysterical the doctor walked in and furiously yelled at my aunty..

“How could you just tell her like that!!! You can’t share such sensitive information in her condition”

“tell her what??” aunty asked in confusion.

I stopped crying and looked on in shock.

“The doctors are doing everything to save his life… at least pray for him.. have you no faith?”

As I was trying to interpret the confusion my eyes were drawn to the t.v which was airing news. There was a terrible accident, three vehicles had collided the previous day just around the time Jeff left the hospital. Three victims had already died and 3 others were battling for their lives. Jeff was one of them.