TOO FAR TO REACH 42

 

TOO FAR TO REACH 42

The hospital had become so cold and I was getting all the more impatient, it had been an hour since the rest of the family left for home and Nancy and I waited. Although we had talked a lot, time seemed to have stopped. The silence was clear that we both were in dire need of assurance regarding Jeff’s condition. It was hard to discuss the matter for long but it was clear we both were worried of the outcome, operations always have a lot of uncertainty. We both tried to overlook this fact as we kept reminding each other about the cold weather.

“Maybe let’s get some coffee from the cafeteria” Nancy suggested

I followed her immediately and we relaxed to get served some coffee. There was anxiety with sitting and waiting, we both were desperate to go and wait near the theatre but we also knew better than to think this was going to be over so soon.

“Are there no disposable cups?” Nancy found the courage to enquire.

We looked at each other with relief, we had similar thoughts all along.

“Sure”

The cafeteria was modern, it was well maintained and the staff were very professional. If you did not see the rest of the hospital, you would think the cafeteria was a high-end restaurant. I was comforted with the environment that made it less of a hospital as I always had a challenge buying any food from a hospital. I grew up having the anxiety of consuming anything served in a hospital.

“Here you go”

The waitress brought our coffee cups and we did not hesitate to start moving. After returning to our initial place, we noticed there was a lot of movement up and down along the path leading to the theatre, even an oxygen tank was dragged there. I panicked but Nancy held my hand to stop me from standing up.

“I think all is well” she said.

I nodded my head worried as I relaxed. She begun to tell me a story.

“Jeff and I were not always the two of us...”

I stared at the wall opposite me as she spoke.

“We were 5, I was the second born and Jeff was the last born but with the story I am sharing.. he was not born then. I was the only girl. My brother’s went on a trip to visit my grand parents.. I remained behind because I was going to be participating in a violin competition, I loved playing the violin. My brother’s were put on a plane off to Malaysia where my grandparents resided.. we were in India then. Dad was working for an insurance firm in Mumbai. He had a very good job, we were privileged”

Nancy posed and I watched her try to gather herself together… it seemed like this was very emotional for her but she was using every strength she had.

“My brother’s died in a plane crush… they never arrived..”

I had nearly chocked on my own saliva.

“It’s a cold memory and my parents never really dealt with it, they also made it very hard for me because we could not discuss it. None of us healed, none of us visited it. We just erased the memory. There was nothing really left to actually point at after the accident, ashes only… the ashes were all we led our wreaths on. No memories, no graves, nothing”

Nancy posed, I could see the pain through her eyes but it did not drop through a tear. Her eyes were red, I understood the anger that came from that situation. I then wondered why Jeff never ever told me this. From Nancy’s narration, it was clear he wasn’t born then but I’m sure he knew. Wouldn’t he have told me? As I thought Nancy cleared my worries

“Jeff doesn’t know… Jeff came 7years later… I was already grown. I was 19yrs. I had dealt with this for so long all alone, no one ever comforted me, I never saw a counselor. My parents spoke if it once and asked me to accept that my brother’s were in heaven. That was it.  My parents had a way of giving us the best life. We were happy, well Jeff was happy. I never was. I tried, eventually our parents died. Mum first then dad couldn’t cope. He died too. I was 26 then, I was old enough so everything was left in my name and I had to be strong for my 7year old brother. The man you refer to as uncle is not our biological relative. Uncle Stan was my lecturer and he knew Jeff and I remained alone, he was like family and I told him what you know now. However, I didn’t need him to do much, I just wanted him to know… similarly I don’t want you to do much, I just want you to know. I feel alive when I talk about this… I’ve often talked about it to myself. I am telling you now, you and uncle Stan know now”

I was so shocked that I couldn’t talk.

“no on has ever known else has ever known.. see back then it wasn’t as easy as it is today.. my mum and dad were from very different cultures. In short their marriage was illegal, they met in college, fell in love and mum fell pregnant with my older brother. They eloped. Dad’s parents didn’t live long after my brother’s died, they still didn’t have a relationship with my mum after how she married Dad so I never really knew everyone from that side. If my brother’s had arrived maybe we would have had a chance to know the family… my grandparents requested for us for that reason.. for reconciliation but it never happened. It’s a lot… I have lived this way.. with uncle Stan being a guardian. I raised Jeff all by myself with the help of maids and friends I made along the way. Till today.. no one knows my past. Only uncle stan… even my husband doesn’t know about my brother’s… we never dealt with it… I never did. I buried it like my parents did”